Washed up on mercy’s shore.
Can I tell you an embarrassing secret?
I journal every weekday morning long before the sun comes up and the three-headed monster, I mean my three kids, are awake. That’s not embarrassing or the secret. In fact, I highly recommend it.
Here’s the secret. When I am going through what feels like a spiritual attack drenched in shame, I write out in black ink on white paper (so it’s unmistakably clear) all the mean and negative things I tell myself and feel shame over.
And here’s the embarrassing part - I struggle with shame from inadequacy.
I tell myself things like…
I said the wrong thing and sounded really stupid on that zoom call.
I don’t have a faith strong and smart enough to handle this hard women’s ministry work I deeply believe I’m called to.
Nobody cares what I have to say.
Why do I write it all down? Naming the shame I feel over not being good enough takes away its power over me. I’ll painfully read the list out loud to my husband or small group so I can see the look on their face, and they can speak life into me.
My confession of shame is met by the mercy and love of my Christian community.
If I let these twisted but very real thoughts bounce off the walls in the isolated cage of my mind, the story I’m telling myself becomes more real and the shame starts to proliferate like a nasty bacteria trapped in a petri dish.
I know my shame from inadequacy has a foothold when…
I keep quiet during the next meeting because I’ve started to believe my thoughts aren’t valuable.
I hesitate before texting that potential friend to ask her to coffee because I think she already has enough friends, why would she need me?
I start skipping my quiet time with Jesus because I’ve missed so many mornings in a row I somehow believe the first one back will be painful.
Painful? Jesus? I mean, what adversary are these wrong thoughts coming from?
Romans 8:31 says, “If God is for us, who can be against us.”
God is for us.
So why are we so against ourselves sometimes?
And if God is for us, we know that our shame from inadequacy is not from him.
When we bring our shame out in the open, it’s like drinking the coolest cup of water after an exhausting run. If I don’t drink from the well of mercy and love regularly, letting the life-giving water wash over my shame and replenish my soul, I’ll will end up so parched I’ll be walking through life hunched over with side stitches.
So, how long have you let shame dry up your soul and spirit? Disconnect you from community? Stop you from stepping into a divine calling that will not stop nudging you? Block you from a better marriage? Hinder you from more engaged parenting?
This is so clearly the opposite of what God wants for us and what he says about us (Romans 5:8). Bring your shame to Jesus and let him flush out the toxins coursing through your body.
Of course, we can decide against our daily intake of required water.
But God is overwhelmingly bent towards compassion and forgiveness (Exodus 34:6-7).
Keep going through life running from his love, and you’ll wash up on mercy’s shore in the end with a bunch of sand in your pants.
You decide. How much water do you require? A sip or a storm?
love,
vanessa